Why Now?

Why Now?

Drunken delusions, can they be for real?
Am I truly feeling these painfull exstatic things I feel?
Desperation isnt in the loop, its not even a factor.

But fucking damnit all to hell, WTF would I do after?
But does it matter? Really? Is it even a subject?
If inhibitions were completely lost, who would give a damn next?
Those eyes, so damned blue, sad, deep and hypnotic..
Im... Im not sure what to do, GOD! Oh God, Please! What do I do next...?
I just need a response, just tell me, please, For Real!
Ive got to know how you, how your soul ,how your heart feels!
Ive felt a connection, a distinct and forever desperatly needed sympathetic link..
Ever since the moment I saw you, and my HEART, Oh my Heart! It began to Think...
But of all the luck,Just Mine, Its just the way it has to be,
You were never meant for someone like.. well.. like.. like me.
What was I thinking? Could I truly be so utterly blind?
Are you really what I was trying so hard NOT to find?
I think you are, and Im sorry, Im SO sorry my poor heart!
I have to cut you off, numb you, kill you, before it REALLY starts.
I just cant laugh and look into those eyes again,
without feeling the horrible, repeating and absolute pain
The pain of knowing, without a doubt in my mind
That YOU were the one my heart was meant to find.
Why did you wait so long my Love ? Oh, how my heart aches!
Oh how many decisions I now KNOW were sad and desperate mistakes!
But promises made to those that seem, now at least, to trust
Harden my heart, like the Tin Man, starting to flake and rust.
Show me you give a damn, PLEASE! Give me one small sign!
I know its hard, its hard for me, But thats how the planets have aligned
I want nothing more than for you to go away,
to leave me alone, let me be sad, dissuaded.
I know how to handle pain, rejection hurt and fear,
I dont know how to handle you being anywhere close, anywhere near.
And even as you look at me with no specia, lovingl thoughts in mind,
I will Love You FOREVER, somewhere, in the deep recesses of my mind.
Why now, damn you God! Why did you place him here now?
When Ive already pledged myself, ive given a sacred vow!
Oh to turn back the hands of time, to do it all like new again!
Id patiently wait for you, my love, my heart, my unknown perfect friend.

Written by Kriztyna Bradshaw 

Posted on 07/15/12

musing 1

beyond the waking nightmare i walk suspended above my exsistence and i weep at the sight of my lifes walkway being strewn with the cracks and gaping craters of mistakes from the past.

Written By Kriztyna Bradshaw
Posted 07/08/12

Matricide by candlelight

Matricide by candlelight 

When demons look at you with loving eyes,

asking for your soul, what are you to do?

Can you tell them no, I can't, its just not right!

Or do you just go ahead because its so hard to say no?

Even though when you go you know

you are walking to your own death, your own beheading?

Yes, you will walk with the demon hand in hand,

your blue eyes the photocopy of hers.

You will fake a smile and hold in the anger,

pain and frustration,

confusion and unconditional hatred

you have all of a sudden become accustomed to again,

one more time, because this is love, right?

She's loved you forever, she's said so, to everyone,

this beautiful blue eyed demon.

She loves you to death.

Yes, this most of all, is truth.

She loves you to death,

and you will let her deathly love strangle the only sense of self

you have ever been able to develop because you crave love from her

you need love from her.. don't you?

Everyone says she loves you.

So when she holds out her hand,

and looks at you with loving eyes, what do you tell the demon?Written By Christina Bradshaw

Posted on 07/01/12 

Acceptance

Acceptance

Beyond what you see with weak human eyes lies a wondrous depth of the

soul man refuses to accept. For to accept this joyous glory would be to

accept ones own mortality before willingness and old age have crept their

way into being. To accept that our existence is but momentary, fleeting

and minute, just a forgotten folder in an enormous filing cabinet covered

in cobwebs and the dust of time. But to embrace this, Oh! To embrace it

is to Live this short finger snap to its loudest crack to leave more than a

footprint on a beach to be washed away to give as you are getting...!

Written By Christina Bradshaw

Posted on 06/24/12

Long Forgotten

Long Forgotten

Don't forget me.

I'm not gone.

I'm right here

I've never left,

I'm always near.

To be cast aside

Again and again

But I gladly take it

This attention given

I beg for and crave it.

So please don't forget me

I won't ever leave

Unless... you don't.. want.. me?

No, wait, haha!

That can't be...

I've been just how you said

Everything I'm not

Everything I wasn't, 

I could have been

That matters, doesn't it?

Please, Don't forget me..

Written By Christina Bradshaw

Posted 6/23/12

Twice Forsaken

Twice Forsaken

Can you imagine

The joyful pain

Twice given

But never again

No small blue eyes

Or coal black hair

Only memories

Kept inside

Never shared

No. Never shared.

Written By Christina Bradshaw

Temptation overload

Temptation overload

My breath comes quickly

Panting in time to the thoughts erupting in my corrupted mind

Not a single touch of a hand

Not a single whisper uttered but the breath in my chest catches, stutters

Oh to reach out

To feel the slick maddening pace,or reach out with a tongue, taste...

But the miles separate

So our minds combine to create a sinful place to release and satiate

Written By Christina Bradshaw

Poted on 6/24/12

Sudden Thought

Sudden Thought

To deny that I miss a world I once knew would be to deny I ever excitedly anticipated talking to you. To hear tales and stories of follies and fun I had never imagined could be actually done and to hear them from someone so sweet eyed and kind was something I never thought I'd in this world find.

But being myself, being me, knowing me, I couldnt let myself enjoy you.

I couldn't let myself love who you made me become.

I still hide her, tucked away in a secret place, every now and again I take her out to see her youth filled face and I wonder, if the steady man made pace of my heartbeat would still flutter, if She saw you again.

Written By Christina Bradshaw

Posted 6/14/12